I take short baths. I am of the strong opinion that bathing is simply a waste of time. Here are some pointers, and short guide, on how I take sub-2 minute baths. Cleanliness guaranteed.

Note: This guide assumes that you have a normal toilet like normal people do. In other words, soap and shampoo and towel and other stuff should be within easy reach. This guide also assumes that all you want to do is get yourself clean (HINT: guys, not girls). Hence there is no provision of time for make-up. This guide is also more applicable to people who bathe with showers, and not in a bathtub. This guide also assumes you don’t suddenly decide to shit at the start. That’s going to take more than 2 minutes.

Disclaimer: Directions as written in this post are not designed, intended or authorized for use in life support, life sustaining, nuclear, or other applications in which the failure of proper execution could reasonably be expected to result in personal injury, loss of life or catastrophic property damage. Sudoing shall not be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential or exemplary damages, resulting from (i) the inability to follow instructions written in English; (ii) the inability to bathe like a normal person.

I love the disclaimer.

Preparations

Have your change of clothes, towel, toiletries, duck, radio, weapons ready. If you take forever to prepare these stuff, you’re kind of negating the whole point of bathing quickly. Also ensure that your soap and shampoo and detergent and other washing items are sufficiently filled.

Directions

1. Shut the door of the toilet and start the stopwatch.
2. Undress as fast as you can, taking off your top and bottom at the same time. This works too (and you get extra points). This means you don’t waste time looking in the mirror and/or touching yourself. (15 seconds)
3. Get into the showering area. (5 seconds)
4. Perform your initial rinsing without waiting for the water to get warm. Screw the discomfort, you’re in a race here. (5 seconds)

At this point, you’ll have to decide how you want to wash yourself. There are various parts to this, and each part is separated by one round of rinsing. You should aim to cut down everything to at most 3 parts, each consisting of about 20 seconds.

The fastest would of course be to combine shampooing and soaping into one part, followed by one rinse. Some people object to this as they believe that the shampoo that washes from your head dirties your body, hence you should shampoo, rinse, soap, rinse. I think this is just a load of crap. Whatever makes you happy, just do it. But remember, 3 parts, 20 seconds each.

This usually takes up the bulk of the time spent in the shower, so if you manage to cut this down to under a minute, you’re well on your way to making your bath take less than 3 minutes.

5. Wash yourself (1-3 parts). (45 seconds)
6. Dry yourself quickly with towel. Just pass it once over your skin, that’ll get you dry enough. (15 seconds)
7. Dress yourself. (20 seconds)
8. Collect your stuff and get out. (5 seconds)

This takes about 2 minutes. If you combined everything into a single part at step 5, you’ll be well under 2 minutes.

Practice is important to achieving the timing of 2 minutes. You’ll also have to make it a point to move quickly in the toilet.

So, how long do you normally take to bathe? Are you going to try this?